transition

When Home is not Homey

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After a long, 42-hour trip with my two youngest, after yet another delay Stateside (this time we can all blame the same thing, no?), after grappling with the grief of leaving yet again, I climbed out of the car, and stepped through the door into my home – to find it smelled, felt more cramped than I remember, and distinctly did not feel like my home. Wait, my mind stalled right there at the door, is this really my home?

This was definitely not the feeling I was anticipating; usually, after a long (or even short) trip anywhere, I love the satisfying feeling of returning to my space, to resettling with my people in our own nook in the world, to the peace and joy and content that comes from just being a place of our own, together.

I suppose, in that moment, there were a couple of possible reactions to my disappointed arrival home: I could conjure all the homey feelings I know deep inside somewhere, and “put on a happy face” until I make it. I could go crawl in a corner and sit in my mournful melancholy for awhile (my reaction of choice had I not four eager children). Or, and what I did, I could unpack all the bags I had brought in a mad rush and attempt to quell the mental storm with the restoring of some small sense of order. Control what I can control, anyone else? Cleaning and organizing always seem to help regulate whatever emotional rush I am currently battling. In the following days, I tackled the deeper cleaning, the washing of all the things, and the random decluttering, and within a week, this house began to feel again like the home I had been anticipating settling back into. I saw with fresh eyes the beauty throughout, the peace and goodness we seek to cultivate within its walls, the potential for love to reign here, in the midst of grief and evil and suffering.

While there are a lot of elements that played into the overall disappointment of that particular arrival home (namely, the use and abuse of our home by others while we were gone), the concept of home has always been a complicated one, particularly for those of us who live outside our passport countries. For Ben and I, we have lived in six homes, in three different countries, over the course of our marriage, and we now can say, after five and a half years, this is the home in which we have lived the longest. There is the struggle that none of these homes we have owned, unlike most of our peers at our age and stage of life.

Even in all of that moving and resettling and renting and non-owning, each of those homes, in their own seasons, have been havens of rest, shelters for us from the raging of the world, and spaces we could open and into which we could bring others. Each new home has called me into a deeper sense of how? can this work for us, for our family, how? can this be a space where love reigns, peace is pursued, and goodness and beauty abound, and how? can we use this to share the love and peace and goodness and beauty of God with others? That challenge – of bringing forth in a space its best utility, and natural beauty, and cultivated peace – has been one for which I have gratefully accepted the transitions.

And for those seasons where I feel rootless, when home does not feel homey, when I wonder when it will be our turn to own, truly own, our unique piece of land in this wide world, I am leaning into the age-old promise that our true home is not found on this earth. That all of this good work of creating homes this side of heaven is a reflection of the Creator who has a home waiting for us – one filled with beauty beyond measure, filled with perfect peace and unending goodness.

In the meantime, you may find me cleaning again, or organizing something. Making our little house a home all over again, thanks to the goodness of God, until someday, we will be truly, forever, home.

Hello from 2022

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Hello reader friends. It’s been several months, not that I expected for it to be. But sometimes life happens with such speed and force, that we are wise to pause other endeavors and lean into it, no?

For a personal update, we wrapped up our homeschool and college school years in November, and headed back to the States for the holiday season. It was a trip of stress and difficulty, and also of meaningful time together and grief and gratitude. Half of our family tested C*vid positive, and could not return when planned. But now, at the end of the first month of 2022, we are home in South Africa and all together again. We are grateful for the opportunity and privilege to be with our families this year, and grateful to be back and settling into our normal routines and rhythms.

A new year always offers a certain energy and clarity for me; what is this year going to bring? What goals might I set? What will we do as a family? This new year, I am entering with a sense of timidity. It’s difficult to put words to our last year; still pain a bit fresh, and grief very real. Still sore from loss, sore from life. Certainly this year must be better than last year, whatever that means. Right, God?

But who are we to bargain with God? I do not know what this year holds any more than we knew what last year would hold. And perhaps it was a gift that we did not know. It’s a gift that we do not know. Rather, we entrust this year to God, we entrust our loved ones, our families and marriages and churches and ministries and work all to God, and we seek to be faithful in this day.

So here I am, on this side of 2021, easing into 2022 with a face toward faithfulness, finding God gently nudging me toward fresh goals, fresh hope, fresh movement. Asking him for wisdom, for direction, for faith, for encouragement. And trusting that he will be with us, whatever 2022 might hold.

Peace to you today, friends, wherever you find yourselves.

On Schooling at Home and Changing Plans

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Just in the last couple of weeks, I have had four friends share that they have decided to homeschool this year; and I know that number is growing exponentially as we all seek to make sense of this year. When it seems so much is out of our control, this is one area we actually can take back – our children’s schooling. I totally understand, because at one point, we did too.

Though completely different circumstances, it brings me back to a couple of years ago when we were in a difficult place of sorting out our children’s education. Since before we had children, Ben and I had felt strongly that we would aim to public school them, for convictions beyond the scope of this post. When we considered where in the world to serve in theological education and discipleship, schooling options for our children became a major factor. It was, in fact, one of the deciding reasons why we chose South Africa – for the good government school just up the road from us, where we planned to send our children.

Many of you know the details of our story, but in sum, enrolling our eldest in this school proved more difficult than we had expected, and we would need to obtain an additional visa for her. Additionally, we had our first trip back to the States planned for her first grade year, which would require pulling her out halfway through the South African school year. We prayerfully talked through our options for several months, though our options continued to shrink. In the end, we felt peace about homeschooling for her first grade year, and the decision in and of itself was a relief, though we knew the task was monumental.

This was two years ago, and I can confidently say now that we are grateful for the circumstances which caused us to change course. Homeschooling our children has been an unexpected joy and gift to our family, and though we take it a year at a time, we plan to carry on for as long as it makes sense.

For many families, this change of course educationally is far from ideal; many have made decisions in the past years which is best for their families, and have now had to redirect completely. Not only is this frustrating (“We had figured out what was good for our family!”) but it’s also completely unsettling (“What will this year be like? How will we do it?”). My heart is heavy for our many friends who are navigating this; and yet, I am also hopeful. Thankfully, our God is in the business of bringing good out of hard circumstances. His plans are providentially far better than our best-laid ones.

Maybe in the end, schooling at home will not be the best fit for every family. But perhaps there was a child, or two, who really needed that extra time with Mom or Dad; who needed a break from the social pressures of school; who needed some time to work at his own pace; who benefited greatly from extra free time; who enjoyed a slower pace. Perhaps there are parents who needed to reconnect with their children; who learned more intricately about their children’s strengths and weaknesses; who discovered new passions and fears in their children’s hearts; who needed to die to self more deeply each day to live for Christ; who had more space to disciple the hearts of their children.

And maybe, at the end of this hard circumstance, when COVID is more of a memory, and whatever form of normal has returned, we can look back on these change of plans with gratitude. Though they were hard, there was good. Do we have the eyes to see it?

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

What to Do in the Waiting

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Are you in the midst of waiting on something, someone? Have you petitioned God for a specific need, and not yet received an answer? Maybe it has been days, months, or even years.

If so, you’re in good company. Most of us are waiting for some specific answers to prayer – for a family member to know Christ, for a friend to be healed, for a child’s heart to change, for our own hearts to change, for direction, for clarity. I know we are not alone as we wait on our own answers for what God has in store for our family.

What I have found difficult is the question of what to do in the waiting. Does trusting God mean doing nothing? I don’t believe so. Perhaps even more so in seasons like this, there are definite things I have realized I need to be doing in order to wait in peace and with faithfulness. These are a few small actions I have found helpful in our limbo season:

1. Pray for my posture

Yes, we have covered the specific item we are needing in prayer, we have had many others praying with us, and we keep praying for resolution. But to pray for my own heart, for the peace of God to settle in my heart, for my mind to be fixed on Christ and not on my situation – I have needed to be careful not to neglect these aspects of prayer. That in my season of waiting, my heart and mind are correctly lifted toward God, that my posture is worshipful.

One of my favorites promises is found in Isaiah 26, “you keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you” [v. 3]. It seems like every day there are many distractions that pull my mind away from Christ, that demand my focus. When I find myself particularly anxious about my situation, it is usually because I have not been fixing my mind on Christ. Especially in this season, I have needed to cling to God in prayer, to keep my mind stayed on him.

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

Isaiah 26:3

2. Reflect on the character of God

How has God taken care of our needs in the past? How has he strengthened us through different seasons of difficulty, of waiting? Reflecting on how he has cared for us personally, and on his unchanging character, will strengthen us in our current seasons.

I don’t know about you, but in a waiting season like this, I realize my own weaknesses and limits in new ways. Jen Wilkin touches on what it means to be image-bearing children of God, “it means reflecting as a limited being the perfections of a limitless God. Our limits teach us the fear of the Lord. They are reminders that keep us from falsely believing that we can be like God. When I reach the limit of my strength, I worship the One whose strength never flags. When I reach the limit of my reason, I worship the One whose reason is beyond searching out.” [None Like Him -I recommend this whole book if you’re looking to reflect on God’s character].

When we see our own limitations more clearly, it ought to prompt us to worship God for his completely sufficient and unchanging character. While everything around us may be changing, he never will. 

Fixing our gaze on his character, rather than our situation, is worshipful.

Years ago, while walking through a dark season with a friend, I remember hearing JJ Heller’s song Who You Are where she sings, “sometimes I don’t know, I don’t know what you’re doing, but I know who you are.” What beautiful hope! We often don’t know the plans of God, or what he is doing in our life or the lives of others, but thankfully we can know who he is. Fixing our gaze on his character, rather than our situation, is worshipful.

3. Lament with hope

There can be this sense in our Christian communities that discouragement is not allowed; that it is unspiritual to be downcast. That one who is trusting in God never wavers. Thankfully, a good portion of the book of Psalms teaches us just what godly lament looks like. Over and over, David and other psalm writers cry out to God in their discouragement, in their distress, asking for his deliverance, for him to come through for them again… and they wait.

Multiple times between Psalm 42 and 43 the writer cries, “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God” [Psalm 42:5, 11; 43:5]. David writes in Psalm 40:1, “I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry.” Friends, we can cry out to our God, who is full of compassion toward his children, who knows of our pain, of our discouragement, and who offers comfort in the midst of it.

In our lament, we cling to hope. We are not ones to cry out to God with forsaken hearts, but with expectant ones, looking in hope for what God will do for us. David continues in Psalm 40:2-3, “he drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.” We have good reason to wait with great hope.

4. Cling to the promises of God

Several weeks ago, our pastor preached on the book of Joshua, and encouraged us that God is faithful to keep his promises. In fact, Joshua 21:45 says, “not one word of all the good promises that the Lord had made to the house of Israel had failed; all came to pass.” What an encouragement! What a faithful God we serve!

This prompted me anew to make a list of “the good promises that the Lord had made” to me. How can I cling to them if I don’t even know what they are? Years ago, I had memorized quite a few, but this season called for new reflection. Here are a few that I have been clinging to lately:

+ God’s sufficient grace: “”My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” [2 Cor. 12:9]

+ God’s never-ceasing love and mercy: “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” [Lam. 3:22-23]

+ God’s guidance and protection: “And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.” [Is. 58:11]
and
“For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness. For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God – his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.” [Psalm 18:28-30]

I would challenge you to spend time in God’s word, reflecting on what he has promised, and make a list for yourself. Cling to these good promises of God!

——–

At some point, this particular season of waiting will likely end, and we look forward to that time. While we are still waiting, though, I am thankful for the opportunities to turn my gaze again and again to Christ, to be more deeply sanctified, and to learn anew what it is to trust him.

originally published on Dec. 3, 2019